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Post by Metallix Brother on May 27, 2010 8:37:20 GMT
Well, this seems to have been the least awful thus far, in the sense that it has had at least one bit of "witty" banter, and Ethan's brain exploding, to sadly little effect.
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Post by madhair60 on May 27, 2010 19:19:33 GMT
Season 1, Episode 7: Mother Nature, Part 2
We pick up exactly where we left off, with Ethan (who's gone insane) confronting Lucas, who justifiably asks him what the hell he's doing. Ethan claims it's his destiny to preserve the gamer way of life for future generations, and that all friendships and alliances of the age past are now forfeit. They talk and talk and talk, and I rot away slowly.
Lilah enters the room with a flashlight, shining it on Ethan, who hisses and runs away.
Lilah: "What's going on here?"
Lucas: "I just came to get ice-cream."
Opening titles. Wait, was that a joke? "I just came to get ice-cream"? Oh, this is just awful. That's not a good hook at ALL. Alright, only a few more minutes of this dirge left.
Ethan laments that only his kind can keep gaming alive. He then stabs his finger with a pencil and starts writing about "the gaming lifestyle" in blood. See, this is almost a joke. The only problem is, it's not presented as such. When Ethan stabs himself, he says "Ow! Damn primitive forms of writing!" which suggests he didn't mean to do it. If he'd picked up the pencil, and opted instead to use blood, that would have been funnier considering he had such an obvious alternative. Christ almighty this is awful, awful [censored].
"Videogames are awesome. Except DDR. That should remain buried in the past."
Hey hey hey, an actual gaming reference! Anyway, this scene is still going on I guess.
Lilah and Lucas are on the couch. Lucas enjoys an ice lolly, and Lilah wonders where Ethan is. He accosts her, grabs her, and threatens her with a Game Boy Micro.
“WHY DOESN'T HE JUST PLAY THAT?” asks everyone in the entire world. No answer is forthcoming.
Anyway, Lilah glares at Ethan, and he immediately changes tack.
Ethan: "Uh-oh, is that the 'you're not getting any for a month' look?
Lilah: "Yup."
No, it's the same look everyone has the whole time with his or her SUPER-EXPRESSIVE eyes.
"Sometimes it would be nice if my fiancée’s sanity wasn't tethered to reality with [garbled]."
What? You used that take? Sweet Christ, he just doesn't care. Lucas says he has an idea. Ethan laments something about mating rituals, then hears some generic music. It's Lilah, playing PSP. Ethan gets it, and starts playing. Lucas barricades him in the room with a chair, and the battery on the PSP runs out.
Ethan realises he's going to have to go outside to escape the room. "The deadly forbidden lands" he calls it. For [censored]'s sake, we've seen him playing paintball. He climbs out the window, walks about two feet and climbs in another window.
Lucas is sat in the kitchen eating another ice-cream. Ethan appears behind him, raises the staff he's holding and shouts "KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!" Lucas responds by going "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!" which made me smile. +1 to CAD. 3 and a half points. Ethan charges Lucas and they wrestle. The fight music from Star Trek plays, with no changes. It has simply been stolen. The power comes back on so Ethan runs off and starts gaming.
The credits roll. After the credits, we see the anthropomorphic brain from part one receive another envelope. He opens it.
"This episode is over."
He explodes again. I think that's how my brain reacts upon receiving the news that another episode is starting.
This episode's child-killing comedy credits: "Wait for it... Wait for it........ Now!" Okay?
Next up is "The Last Copy".
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Post by Metallix Brother on May 27, 2010 19:27:51 GMT
Hopefully the title of the next episode refers to the number of existing copies that exist still of this piece of [censored].
Jesus, you're insane for still going at this.
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Post by madhair60 on May 31, 2010 15:19:13 GMT
Season 1, Episode 8: The Last Copy
Ethan bursts into the store, hitting a leaving customer with the door. His victim grimaces, but leaves without causing a scene.
"Mark this day in the history books!" announces Ethan. You see, it is the release date of Lego Star Wars 2. Ethan heads for the counter. He proclaims that he believes Barry has a copy of said game for him. He then snatches a receipt from Barry's hand.
Ethan: "Remarkable! Has digital disc format already become obsolete, making way for this new 'paper' technology?"
Oh, just [censored] off. Sorry all, I've scarcely the motivation to even look at the screen any more. This is such contemptible drivel. But, needs must.
Anyway, Ethan is informed the game is sold out. Barry informs him that the customer who purchased it just left a few minutes ago. Ethan rushes out.
We see the P.O.V of a moving car. Ethan runs out in front of it. He leaps up onto the bonnet and presses himself on the windshield, insisting that he needs the game. He then offers to buy it from the driver (the customer Ethan assaulted with the door earlier), who refuses, despite the fact he really shouldn't be able to hear him. Next, the driver activates the wipers, knocking Ethan off the moving car onto the tarmac. Sadly, Ethan seems to be without a scratch. He glares vengefully at the camera. Oh, gee, I wonder what will happen.
Opening titles.
Ethan rushes to a fairly normal looking house and rams on the door. It is quickly opened by the customer from before.
Ethan: "I'm done playin' nice."
Playing nice!? YOU JUMPED ONTO HIS CAR WHILE IT WAS MOVING. YOU ARE A DANGEROUS MADMAN. But I digress.
Ethan: "We can do this the easy way or the hard way."
Customer: "Hmm. The easy way."
The customer then shuts the door on Ethan. Go customer! You bought that game fair and square, after all.
Next, we see a stick poking the customer's doorbell. He answers again, and sees an obviously fake sexy woman dummy thing on his doorstep. We see Ethan hiding in a bush, clearly operating this thing. It speaks in a voice that is obviously Ethan's disguised in a higher pitch.
Ethan/Dummy: "Hey, big boy. I heard you got a new videogame. We could play a little co-op, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink."
The customer places his arm around the "girl" and leads her inside. Ethan emerges from the bush.
Ethan: "Not sure how I thought that would go."
That's... close to being funny, I guess? Unfortunately, the volume on the pay-off line is so low, it's nearly incomprehensible. Ah, well.
Next, Ethan breaks into the guy's house. He walks through the halls and we briefly see the female dummy in the guy's bed. Now, I have to give Tim a point for this (total: 4.5 pts). It's actually fairly well delivered, in that it's subtle to the point that the viewer doesn't immediately process the gag. So, yes, credit where it's due. Anyway, the customer obviously spots Ethan and narrows his eyes.
Ethan: "I'm new wallpaper. Keep walking."
We then cut to a bucket being lowered into a pit, in which Ethan cowers, shivering. Wait, so it's Silence of the Lambs now? Oh, this is cataclysmically awful stuff. There's a gamepad in the bucket. The customer places a TV at the top of the pit.
Customer: "It pushes 'A' to start the game or else it gets the hose again."
HAHA GET IT LIKE IN oh sweet merciful christ i'm going to kill myself
Anyway, Ethan tries to wall-jump out, and fails. 'Cos you can't wall jump in real life, I guess.
We then see Ethan and the customer playing videogames. We start with Halo, then New Super Mario Bros. The customer electrocutes Ethan when he is losing. Then we see Ethan hanging above a DDR mat, the customer trying to reach the buttons by tugging Ethan's legs. This whole sequence is laugh-free. Ethan then escapes, stealing the copy of Lego Star Wars 2 in the process.
OK, sure, the customer turned out to be pretty psychotic, but Ethan is a thief.
Oh. On the way out, Ethan runs by the dummy in the bed again. He stops and takes a long look at it. Music plays. I guess I can take back what I said about subtlety. In fact, I'm docking CAD two points for managing to fool me into thinking it had done something good. It's now down to 2.5pts.
Ethan goes home and starts to play Lego Star Wars 2. He frowns and says "This game sucks". The credits roll.
That was awful. I think that's my least favourite since that [censored]ing "Shorts" one. I am so glad this season is over soon. Anyway, next up is "New Recruit".
Completely [censored]ing baffling comedy credit: "What's love gotta do gotta with it? What's love but a heartfelt emotion? Little known fact, but I used to date Tina Turner. You know, before she got old. True story."
...
FOR [censored]'S SAKE TIM, THOSE A) AREN'T THE CORRECT [censored]ING LYRICS AND B) "GOTTA DO GOTTA"? YOU DIDN'T EVEN PROOFREAD THIS, YOU MONEY-GRUBBING, TALENTLESS, PAEDOPHILE* [censored] SCUM.
Seriously, I wouldn't piss on CAD fans if they were on fire.
*Allegedly
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Post by Badly-Drawn Manchild on May 31, 2010 17:05:02 GMT
With the gap between this review and the last, I thought you'd decided to save whatever shreds of sanity you had left and quit.
This show just gets worse with every passing minute.
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Post by Baron Canier on May 31, 2010 18:23:36 GMT
I think I may have seen the next one (though I honestly can't remember where). If it's what I think it is, then you're in for a series of unfunny gags based around war games.
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Post by madhair60 on Jul 12, 2010 22:07:15 GMT
Season 1, Episode 9: New RecruitWe're straight into the opening titles! That's right, no cold opening! Oh my Gawdfathers, this isn't gonna be like "Shorts", is it? I don't think I could take that kind of numbing dreck again. Ah, some generic rock music. It's the musical equivalent of... slowly dying of boredom, I suppose. Which, needless to say, is what's currently happening to me. Some sort of metal sarcophagus falls from the sky and crashes to the ground. It opens, revealing a generic-looking soldier/marine. I'll level with you - I have no idea what game this is referencing. So, if this episode is in fact genius and not just tiresome pish, that fact is lost on me. Anyway, marine looks around and runs over to a big vehicle, which I'm going to call a "gunjeep", as there's a gun mounted on top of it, and I like the word "jeep". Hehe. Jeep. So this guy runs over to it, and it drives off without him. OH NO. Then I guess a big robot foot steps on him? I... I guess this happens in the game? Or is it some sort of comment on the lack of online camaradarie? To quote Terry [censored]witt - "[censored] me! I haven't the foggiest idea what the [censored]'s going on!" Next we see another marine (or maybe the same marine? I assume not, since the first one's dead) approach another gunjeep. It drives off without him, but then stops, and the driver signals for him to get on the back and man the turret. Our hero does so, but then the driver gets out and runs off. The marine watches him impassively, then a gunship flies past and fills him full of bullets. Hahahaha? Another marine, this time looking nervous, minces over to a gunjeep and taps it, then recoils as if it's going to explode. See, I get what's being comminicated here, but it doesn't make much sense as this didn't happen before. There's no real sense of escalation, since both previous fatalities were caused by the drivers of the gunjeeps, NOT THE GUNJEEPS THEMSELVES EXPLODING. Anyway another sarcophagus falls on the guy, crushing him to death. HA! It opens to reveal another marine who hops in the gunjeep. So far this is completely asinine. OK, this next bit absolutely baffles me. Marine's hiding behind an empty bogroll or something. Some sort of assassin emerges from the bushes, holding a knife. The marine unloads ammo into the assassin, who is completely unaffected. Panicking, the marine continues to fire as the assassin casually saunters over. The marine throws his gun in desperation, but misses. The assassin stands next to him. Angrily, the marine grabs the knife from him... AND STABS HIMSELF IN THE FACE. THIS IS ABSOLUTE HORSE PISS. Marine's sat in some sort of flying craft. It takes off. We then see his P.O.V as someone parachutes out of the craft, completely with comedy "weeeeoooo" jumping sound effect. Casually the remaining marine glances to the right. We see the craft's controls, sans pilot. HAHA I GUESS THE PILOT WAS THE ONE WHO JUMPED. TWO INCONGRUOUS SLIDE-WHISTLE SOUND EFFECTS PLAY AS THE CRAFT PLOUGHS INTO THE FLOOR HAHAHAHAHAHA 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 TWIN TOWERS PENTAGON BIN LADEN MY PET GOAT SEPTEMBER THE ELEVENTH TWO THOUSAND AND [censored]ING ONE I'm just going to get a drink and check on the tortoise. In fact, I'll ask him what he thinks. Hey, tortoise, what's your take on this episode? nom nom nom nom nom nom "Cheers for the strawberries." Alright then, I suppose it's too much to ask to get a tortoise's perspective. They really don't come out their shell. HA! HA! HA! Aaaand back to this miserable [censored]. Assassin's making a fire. Marine lands behind him (with another bizarre cartoonish slide-whistle sound). He grins and sneaks towards him. The aforementioned craft lands on him, leaving orphans of his children. His hand grasps outwards from under the two-ton device, desperately seeking salvation. The assassin stands up and casually shoots him. Bafflingly, this shot is lingered on for forty-five minutes or so. OK, this next part is even more confusing. We see a gunjeep driving along. We then see a marine hunched over inside something confined, which I naturally assume to be the gunjeep. There is a button on the wall. He pushes it, and we see a sarcophagus thing launch up into the air, landing on some sort of floating platform. We then see him (or someone else?) push the button again and another sarcophagus flies up, smacking into the bottom of, the platform. Blood is left behind. Blood isn't, in and of itself, funny, Tim Buckley. Unless it's the blood from the stomach and throat of a woman forcing herself to vomit so that big strong men will like her, right? Next we see three marines, two of which are crouched in what I assume is meant to be a "ready" postion, but ready for what I'd rather not say. The third is punching in a password onto some sort of computer terminal/console. The Windows blue screen of death appears. The marine shoots the screen. A door opens and they all rush through, into a room with a big glowing apparatus. I have no idea what this is. Anyway, they start leaving what I presume are bombs all over the place. As they walk out, they notice that one of their lot has one stuck to his head. He doesn't seem aware, and smiles proudly. The other two run away in fear, and he clocks that something is wrong. Hearing the bomb start to beep electronically, he runs back and forth in panic. The other two parachute off the platform (more slide-whistles), and he explodes, leaving his heavily pregnant wife a widow. Laughs, applause. The entire platform explodes. This is poorly animated. This episode's surprisingly honest comedy credit: "I just don't know what to say anymore." WELL NEITHER DO I, TIM. NEITHER DO I. Next up: Trilogy, Part 1. PART ONE!? AAAAAAAAAGRYGFUGHTRGFHUIOAGNJIOHJGKDFOPDL;NHGF
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Post by Samface on Jul 12, 2010 22:10:29 GMT
Well, it couldn't really be a trilogy if it was only one part.
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Post by Metallix Brother on Jul 13, 2010 23:22:57 GMT
I foolishly watched that last episode after it was linked to me. If I had to guess, I'd say it's a criticism of Battlefield 2142, but that's really based on some basic similarities (which, given how awful this episode is, is the best there is to go on). It's so... terrible. I actually feel like my lifespan has somehow been affected by it. There was no point I watched this and even felt a smirk begin to form. It was so utterly dire. The shooting and not hitting thing I suppose is some comment about lag, but it's so poorly delivered, it's impossible to tell.
The only possible "positive" (and I use that word in the most abusive sense possible) is that this episode featured no dialogue, which is a blessing of some variety.
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Post by Baron Canier on Jul 14, 2010 18:59:31 GMT
Hey, my prediction was correct. Awesome.
If I recall, it's meant to be a parody of Halo.
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Post by Nam on Jul 14, 2010 19:54:57 GMT
I think I'd rather watch the turtle eating the strawberries. It seems more appealing, and would probably leave me feeling less shell-shocked.
... I'll get me got.
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Post by Retro on Jul 16, 2010 17:53:55 GMT
Hey, my prediction was correct. Awesome. If I recall, it's meant to be a parody of Halo. Battlefield 2142.
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Post by The Tikal who had no Toes on Sept 26, 2010 10:59:06 GMT
I'm just going to look at the tortoise. He's more entertaining.
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Post by Devo DrakeFox on Sept 26, 2010 11:38:28 GMT
Small animals FTW.
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Post by madhair60 on Sept 27, 2010 11:51:13 GMT
Season 1, Episode 10: Trilogy, Part 1
Finally, the end is near. "Trilogy" comprises the final (guess) three episodes of Ctrl+Alt+Del's first animated series. Thank [censored] for that - any more of this drivel and I'd seriously consider taking my own life.
Before I start the episode proper, I'd like to make an observation; my life has been great lately, and I've been wondering why. Just as I started to write this document, a thought occured to me - it may be because the sheer inexorable badness of this series has made even the mundane seem utterly superlative. It's a sobering thought, and a testament to the cataclysmically poor quality of this work, that it can have such a profound effect on my life and mood.
So, thank you, Ctrl+Alt+Del. Thank you for putting things into perspective.
With that said, we begin.
Blind Ferret ident... hadn't seen that in a while.
The camera is down on the road, and two cars pass over it. The second one is a limo, and takes quite some time, in an obvious parody of the Star Destroyer opening of Star Wars. Incidentally, I know nothing about Star Wars, because it's for children and I am an adult. If I got the name Star Destroyer wrong, send an email to myass@idontcare.com.
Anyway, we see two stereotypical nerds in the leading car. They are being pursued.
Nerd #1: "We're never gonna lose 'em!"
Nerd #2: "We might not have to. Quick, stick the CD in the Splinter Cell case."
These two characters have stereotypical "nerd" voices. Isn't CAD meant to celebrate gaming culture? Moving on. Fatter of the two nerds throws the case out the window. It lands on someone's front porch. I would wager a large sum that the porch belongs to Ethan.
Nerd car stops, as does limo. A blue-suited fellow gets out. He demands to know the location of the plans that were, it would seem, stolen from his office. Suity Man asks his crew to tear apart the nerds' car until the plans are found. He also asks for any food they find to be delivered to him unopened. HA HA HA BECAUSE HE LIKES FOOD? I guess? I don't even know who this is yet - maybe it'll become funny when his identity is revealed.
Opening titles. They remain the same, and [censored].
And we're back. Ethan opens his front door and greets the vast and glorious world, which he will ignore today while he stays in and games. Haha sociopathy. I hate this show SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUanyway he sees the case and picks it up.
Ethan: "Woohoo! Free videogame."
Side note: I know I said I wouldn't comment so much on the animation/art quality, but in this scene Ethan's arms are attached to him like those of a doll. It's pitiful.
Ethan takes the game inside and removes a piece of paper from it, then reads.
Ethan: "Help me, Benjamin Katarski, you're our only hope."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH I SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH THIS
Could it mean "Old Ben K" from next door, asks Ethan? Yes, obviously, you spirit-sapping non-character. Go to his house.
He does. Rings bell, Ben K answers.
Ethan: "Are you Benjamin Katarsky? I think I have your video game."
Wait, what? I thought Ethan was meant to be a comedic sociopath? Why wouldn't he just keep the video game, considering that he very recently BROKE INTO A STRANGER'S HOUSE TO STEAL A GAME THAT WAS LEGALLY PURCHASED. This is [censored].
OK, I'm just going to type out the next bit of dialogue, so you can suffer it yourselves.
Ben K: "I fought in the console wars of the 80s. I was a member of the Nintendo Knights and a master of the ownage."
I actually feel sick writing that out. Like I've been poisoned, seriously.
"The ownage is a life force that flows through all games and gamers. It creates polygons and cheat codes."
NO, DEVELOPERS CREATE THOSE THINGS, YOU [censored][censored]. THIS ISN'T FUNNY ON ANY LEVEL, YOU'RE JUST SAYING RANDOM VIDEOGAME-RELATED WORDS.
Anyway Ben K (sadly, not a flying drum N bass shark) pops the game into his... er, something off-screen. One of the nerds from before appears on the TV. The nerd mentions that the disc contains secret plans for a device Jack Thompson has created that will destroy videogames forever.
Oh for [censored]'S sake, Jack Thompson!? Tim, your FIRST attack on him was embarrassing enough (remember the whole "there are more of us than you Jack so don't [censored] with us" thing?), but THIS IS GOING TO BE THREE EPISODES OF JACK THOMPSON AND STAR WARS, ISN'T IT!?
OK some stuff is happening, Ethan needs to borrow Lucas' car, there's a musical montage of Zeke wearing different disguises, one of which is C3PO, C3PO, *Hammer blow* STAR WARS *bludgeon* STAAAAR WAAAAARS *impact* THIS HAS NEVER BEEN PARODIED BEFORE.
Seriously HOW UNDISCERNING DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET A LAUGH OUT OF JUST SEEING A PICTURE OF A STAR WARS CHARACTER, WITH NO JOKES AND NOTHING CHANGED. IT'S JUST THREEPIO AND THAT'S IT. NO SUBVERSION, NO CHANGE. I [censored]ING HATE THIS SERIES SO MUCH OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE.
Cut to Jack Thompson.
Jack: "It's time to test the power of this fully operational anti-gamer billboard."
Lacky removes a cover, which was obscuring a massive billboard that says "VIDEOGAMES ARE BAD". There follows a montage of gamers seeing it, being horrified, then happily binning their videogames. Okay?
Ethan, Ben and Lucas driving. They're going to get Lilah. Ben sees Jack Thompson and they face off. This is [censored]ing incoherent [censored].
Jack: "Shut up. I'm a law guy. Your common sense and fact means nothing to me."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THAT'LL SHOW HIM HAHAAAAAAAAAAA SIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKK BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRN [censored] damnit i'm in hell
Ben falls asleep listening to Jack, Ethan goes "nooooooooooooooooo". Can you tell my heart's not in this anymore? Yeah it's not.
Anyway back home Lilah puts a cloak around Ethan for some reason.
Lilah: "I'm sorry about Ben, hon."
Ethan: "Who?"
OK, that was almost amusing. Anyway Ethan's now driving a car, to ram the billboard and destroy it. Jack Thompson drives up behind him. Lucas saves Ethan, or something. Ben K appears to Ethan and tells him to use the ownage... so Ethan pulls up by the billboard, gets out and kicks it over. Ha... yeah, then it basically just ends. I thought this was a trilogy? Oh I don't even care anymore. I might never do the next two, they're just [censored]. This is just [censored]. This is a thankless, tedious project and I regret ever taking it on. It's not even enjoyable picking holes in this show anymore.
Comedy credit: "I find that drinking responsibly takes most of the fun out of drinking." Yeah, that's why you beat your wife, Tim, you [censored]ing freakish [censored]. Oh, "Please drink responsibly." Please die of cancer.
Next, "Trilogy" Part Two. Possibly.
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Post by Warped‽‽‽ on Oct 1, 2010 0:51:05 GMT
That was so [censored] it wasn't even amusing someone taking the piss out of it.
I'd stop now.
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Post by Devo DrakeFox on Oct 2, 2010 8:52:52 GMT
I'd rather see more pics of Madhair's tortoise.
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Post by ShayMay on Oct 2, 2010 11:19:53 GMT
I'd rather see more pics of Madhair's tortoise. I'll bet you would.
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Post by Balls on Oct 2, 2010 12:00:56 GMT
Or maybe Stu dressed up as a Tortoise.
You know, for fapping.
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Post by madhair60 on Oct 2, 2010 18:47:49 GMT
something about coming out of my shell
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Post by Metallix Brother on Oct 3, 2010 13:37:48 GMT
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Post by Devo DrakeFox on Oct 3, 2010 22:21:15 GMT
KILL IT WITH FIRE
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Post by Balls on Oct 4, 2010 4:48:34 GMT
Because you're homophobic?
Didn't think someone who's into human on animal sex would be opposed to dude on dude sex.
Apart from the AIDS and God being against it I don't really see an issue.
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Post by Devo DrakeFox on Oct 4, 2010 8:42:59 GMT
What? No! I've seen that horrible, HORRIBLE Turtles concert and it's abominable! Plus Mikey's face just looks horrifying in that poster.
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Post by Balls on Oct 4, 2010 9:46:00 GMT
Yeah, whatever you [censored]ing bigot.
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