Post by Balls on Oct 30, 2010 13:37:35 GMT
As written by me. Objectively.
In this thread, I will name and shame what are definitely the worst consoles that have ever existed. I'm sure some of them will be defended now and again, but those people will be wrong. If you actually think about it, these consoles are worse than anything in the world.
Number 5
Nintendo DS
Look at that fat piece of [censored]. You call this a handheld, Nintendo?Sure, it can be held in the hands if you don't mind bleeding and the [censored]ing pain because of how pointy and ass-awkward it is to use.
Now, handheld gaming has always sucked. The PSP also sucks and so did the Game Boy Advance. The Game Boy and Game Gear were nice efforts but they sucked too. Handhelds have always been and forever will be inferior devices that can't live up to the standards of home consoles and PCs. On the other hand, you can still do fun things with them! But game developers don't like to, for whatever reason. Every time there is a good handheld game, it falls into one of two catagories:
1. This game is good... would be better on a bigger screen.
2. It's a port of a game that was initially on a bigger screen, that has been made worse because it is now on a smaller screen.
But I digress. This is about the DS, the one that is somehow worse than all of those other handhelds.
Let's think about what should make handheld gaming worth it. The principles and advantages of them, which the DS misses on every attempt.
Portability. Hey, remember when you bought a Game Gear and it totally fit into your pocket easily because your trousers happened to have pockets that could fit bricks in them? Sometimes you'd reach into your pocket to find a guitar amp, rummage around through the cabinets and cars before accidentally stumbling on your Game Gear, because it was barely noticeable and totally wasn't so big that even if you had pockets that could fit one in that it would actually make it difficult to walk.
Well, Nintendo remembers those days, so it decided to make the DS as little as eight times the size of the Game Gear, with razor sharp edges to boot.
Seriously, this [censored] will not fit in the normal man's pocket and if it does then everyone will think you have a tumour on your thigh.
So let's say, then, that you went and got yourself a little carry case that eliminated this issue (but brought the whole new one of everyone you walk past thinking you're a massive prick). Sure, it's kind of big, but you love it right? Because you can play the DS ANYWHERE! Whatever time of day, wherever you are, you can just play- THIS IS WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT HANDHELD GAMING!
Oh. No you can't. The original GameBoy Advance wouldn't work in the dark, which is a pretty major [censored]ing flaw. So, Nintendo, swearing they will never make the same mistake twice, decided that the DS will ONLY work in the dark. [censored] daytime, right?
Seriously, the DS cannot be played during the day. For whatever reason, you cannot see the screen. Not in exposure to direct sunlight, not on a train, not on a bus. Not even at home. If it's summer, you have about 7 hours a day when the DS is playable, most of which you will sleep through.
So let's say it's a winter evening and the lights are all broken on the bus. You've found yourself in an environment the DS was designed for. Now, start shouting at it. Go on, play Nintendogs and shout at your DS, it's what the [censored]ing microphone is for.
Yes, in its attempts to be innovative and awesome, a microphone has been incorporated into the DS' design and some games require you to use it. Unless you have a social disability- and not the kind of social disability that most DS owners have- shouting at a DS on the bus is a weird and awkward thing to do, and you'll avoid it at all costs.
So, even if you can just about manage to fit it through your door and take it outside, at night so that you can see it, you'll shy away from playing in public because it's embarassing as Hell, even in comparison to how much of an awkward oddball you already likely are.
So, where are you driven? Into the house. The house that is full of normal consoles and PCs anyway, thus rendering your DS entirely useless.
Now, I'll give credit where credit is due- the DS Lite and DSi do fix these problems to a commendable degree. You can actually see them, they're less pointy, less ugly and are a reasonable size.
Well [censored] you. It's not about you, DS Lite and DSi- if you can't get it right first time then don't bother. You managed to extort large sums of money for the same product from the same person three times. Well bloody done Nintendo. Seriously, from a business stand-point, that's [censored]ing gold.
That's not an argument you can use for all consoles either, which I'm sure someone will try and use as an objection. The MegaDrive, all three PlayStations and the MasterSystem all released smaller, slightly nicer looking models, but not as a [censored]ing apology for making a piece of [censored] in the first place. The MegaDrive II was a couple of inches thinner and looked a bit nicer. If you didn't have an MD you'd buy one and if you already did, you wouldn't see it as a necessity to go and re-buy the MDII.
But, even if you skipped the original DS and went straight for one of the two later models, thus feeling somewhat in the dark about this entirely correct review. Worry not, I'm coming for you too, mother [censored]ers!
A lot of people claim that they don't really take their portables out anyway. Not with the PSP, not with the older handhelds and not with the DS. They seem to enjoy the games that come to them.
Here is everything ever released on the DS:
-Some admittedly okay puzzle games.
-Ports of good games that are ruined by non-analogue control (Super Mario 64 DS)
-Ports of good games that are ruined by not running as well as on their original platforms (Sonic Classics Collection)
-Ports of bad games (Resident Evil Deadly Silence)
-Ports of bad games made even worse than the original because of gimmicky touch screen and microphone bull[censored] (Resident Evil Silence)
-Games where you do normal things but not for real and thus taking the joy out of it (Nintendogs)
-Games where you have to think "what the [censored] were they thinking?" (Metroid Prime Hunters)
-Brain Training
-Deal Or No Deal.
Every single game ever released for the DS fits one of those descriptions.
Oh, and the touch screen is surprisingly un-intrusive and didn't completely take the fun out of gaming like many gimmicks are known to do, but it doesn't add that much either. It's an okay feature.
That's the only good thing I can say about the DS. Everything else about the original model and most about the later models is crap.
The original DS is the fifth worst games console of all time.
In this thread, I will name and shame what are definitely the worst consoles that have ever existed. I'm sure some of them will be defended now and again, but those people will be wrong. If you actually think about it, these consoles are worse than anything in the world.
Number 5
Nintendo DS
Look at that fat piece of [censored]. You call this a handheld, Nintendo?Sure, it can be held in the hands if you don't mind bleeding and the [censored]ing pain because of how pointy and ass-awkward it is to use.
Now, handheld gaming has always sucked. The PSP also sucks and so did the Game Boy Advance. The Game Boy and Game Gear were nice efforts but they sucked too. Handhelds have always been and forever will be inferior devices that can't live up to the standards of home consoles and PCs. On the other hand, you can still do fun things with them! But game developers don't like to, for whatever reason. Every time there is a good handheld game, it falls into one of two catagories:
1. This game is good... would be better on a bigger screen.
2. It's a port of a game that was initially on a bigger screen, that has been made worse because it is now on a smaller screen.
But I digress. This is about the DS, the one that is somehow worse than all of those other handhelds.
Let's think about what should make handheld gaming worth it. The principles and advantages of them, which the DS misses on every attempt.
Portability. Hey, remember when you bought a Game Gear and it totally fit into your pocket easily because your trousers happened to have pockets that could fit bricks in them? Sometimes you'd reach into your pocket to find a guitar amp, rummage around through the cabinets and cars before accidentally stumbling on your Game Gear, because it was barely noticeable and totally wasn't so big that even if you had pockets that could fit one in that it would actually make it difficult to walk.
Well, Nintendo remembers those days, so it decided to make the DS as little as eight times the size of the Game Gear, with razor sharp edges to boot.
Seriously, this [censored] will not fit in the normal man's pocket and if it does then everyone will think you have a tumour on your thigh.
So let's say, then, that you went and got yourself a little carry case that eliminated this issue (but brought the whole new one of everyone you walk past thinking you're a massive prick). Sure, it's kind of big, but you love it right? Because you can play the DS ANYWHERE! Whatever time of day, wherever you are, you can just play- THIS IS WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT HANDHELD GAMING!
Oh. No you can't. The original GameBoy Advance wouldn't work in the dark, which is a pretty major [censored]ing flaw. So, Nintendo, swearing they will never make the same mistake twice, decided that the DS will ONLY work in the dark. [censored] daytime, right?
Seriously, the DS cannot be played during the day. For whatever reason, you cannot see the screen. Not in exposure to direct sunlight, not on a train, not on a bus. Not even at home. If it's summer, you have about 7 hours a day when the DS is playable, most of which you will sleep through.
So let's say it's a winter evening and the lights are all broken on the bus. You've found yourself in an environment the DS was designed for. Now, start shouting at it. Go on, play Nintendogs and shout at your DS, it's what the [censored]ing microphone is for.
Yes, in its attempts to be innovative and awesome, a microphone has been incorporated into the DS' design and some games require you to use it. Unless you have a social disability- and not the kind of social disability that most DS owners have- shouting at a DS on the bus is a weird and awkward thing to do, and you'll avoid it at all costs.
So, even if you can just about manage to fit it through your door and take it outside, at night so that you can see it, you'll shy away from playing in public because it's embarassing as Hell, even in comparison to how much of an awkward oddball you already likely are.
So, where are you driven? Into the house. The house that is full of normal consoles and PCs anyway, thus rendering your DS entirely useless.
Now, I'll give credit where credit is due- the DS Lite and DSi do fix these problems to a commendable degree. You can actually see them, they're less pointy, less ugly and are a reasonable size.
Well [censored] you. It's not about you, DS Lite and DSi- if you can't get it right first time then don't bother. You managed to extort large sums of money for the same product from the same person three times. Well bloody done Nintendo. Seriously, from a business stand-point, that's [censored]ing gold.
That's not an argument you can use for all consoles either, which I'm sure someone will try and use as an objection. The MegaDrive, all three PlayStations and the MasterSystem all released smaller, slightly nicer looking models, but not as a [censored]ing apology for making a piece of [censored] in the first place. The MegaDrive II was a couple of inches thinner and looked a bit nicer. If you didn't have an MD you'd buy one and if you already did, you wouldn't see it as a necessity to go and re-buy the MDII.
But, even if you skipped the original DS and went straight for one of the two later models, thus feeling somewhat in the dark about this entirely correct review. Worry not, I'm coming for you too, mother [censored]ers!
A lot of people claim that they don't really take their portables out anyway. Not with the PSP, not with the older handhelds and not with the DS. They seem to enjoy the games that come to them.
Here is everything ever released on the DS:
-Some admittedly okay puzzle games.
-Ports of good games that are ruined by non-analogue control (Super Mario 64 DS)
-Ports of good games that are ruined by not running as well as on their original platforms (Sonic Classics Collection)
-Ports of bad games (Resident Evil Deadly Silence)
-Ports of bad games made even worse than the original because of gimmicky touch screen and microphone bull[censored] (Resident Evil Silence)
-Games where you do normal things but not for real and thus taking the joy out of it (Nintendogs)
-Games where you have to think "what the [censored] were they thinking?" (Metroid Prime Hunters)
-Brain Training
-Deal Or No Deal.
Every single game ever released for the DS fits one of those descriptions.
Oh, and the touch screen is surprisingly un-intrusive and didn't completely take the fun out of gaming like many gimmicks are known to do, but it doesn't add that much either. It's an okay feature.
That's the only good thing I can say about the DS. Everything else about the original model and most about the later models is crap.
The original DS is the fifth worst games console of all time.
